Relations – a piece difficult and not always they turn out ideal. More precisely even to tell that practically always there are complexities which need to be overcome. Together.
When something does not suit you in relations with darling, the husband or the wife, the girl or the guy, first of all, it is necessary to define what exactly you would like to change in mutual relations with the favourite. That, in your opinion, does not suffice in behaviour of your partner that relations brought pleasure and did you happy. Indistinct formulations, the type «does not suffice Me your attention”,”It would be desirable, that you thought more (and cared (las) of me”,”You could (la) to give to me to more time» will not approach. Very important correctly and accurately to express the feelings and desires so that darling had “guide to action”. Concrete formulations allow to measure result. It is important also that you expressed the desires in the positive form (without a particle “not”) and gave the detailed description to desirable behaviour. For example, you want, that the partner of more time devoted to you then it is possible to express the desire as follows:« I want, that we once a week suited a romantic supper
». The negative requirement:« You do not give me attention »it is necessary to formulate is more white particularly and in the positive form:« I would like, that you have asked me as has passed my day ». Formulating the requirements and desires thus, you promote to adjust relations with the partner, without accusing and without manipulating the partner.
If you are with darling in relations for a long time already, that, for certain, during your dialogue at both of you any unexpressed insults, bitterness, mistrust, fear have collected. But that something has started to change in your relations with the partner, first of all, it is necessary to try to create atmosphere of trust, productive cooperation and positive expectations. When you transfer focus of the attention to positive aspects of behaviour of the partner each of you starts to look in a new fashion at current problems in dialogue, realises the responsibility for problems in relations.
Want to adjust relations with darling? Try to the technician who in behavioural therapy is called «a behavioural exchange», it means that one partner gives something to receive or strengthen desirable behaviour of another. The purpose of a behavioural exchange consists in reducing or eliminating undesirable behaviour and to replace its desirable. The behavioural exchange includes two basic procedures (J. Brown, D.Kristensen «the Theory and practice of family psychotherapy»):
One or both partners should designate that behaviour which they would like to see more often. For example, a phrase «I want, that you gave to me of more attention» can mean «When you come from work, I would like to communicate to you before you will go to bed».
Attempt becomes to increase frequency of desirable kinds of behaviour, thus desirable behaviour should is remunerated by both partners. For example, the wife can address to the husband with requests: 1) every evening to be interested, as at it business; 2) after work to hang up the clothes in a case. In turn, the man, can make the demands to the woman: 1) to praise it if it something for it does; 2) to share with it if something starts it to disturb.
If your aspirations to adjust the relation are serious, it is possible to make the list of the most important kinds of behaviour, having included in it such categories, as tenderness display, sexual relations, joint discussion of questions and problems, joint activity and leisure, house duties, discussion of the family budget, personal habits and hobbies, work, education, independence. Try to make the list of “an exchange of benefits», to discuss, analyse it with darling and to compound. Then, it is possible to pass to the list of that will do each of partners and how long. Thus, you conclude the original contract according to which changes, for example, the husband become a condition of change of the wife and if one partner meets contract conditions also another should carry out of the obligations in a family. At successful practice of “a behavioural exchange» everyone receives more benefits with smaller expenses.
One more way to adjust the relation with darling are «days of care about each other». In «days of care» each partner makes the maximum efforts to show care of other. It is possible to discuss in advance in a family (or to express in writing), what kinds of behaviour for you would be most desirable and as you would like, that the partner showed about you care.« Days of care »are good that favourite people learn to express the desires and requirements instead of waiting while another will guess them. In« days of care »it is better not to try to solve disputed questions as you cannot”settle”a disagreement before will adjust relations among themselves. That« days of care »passed it is possible to make the list of pleasant kinds of behaviour where it is possible to include such points as« call me more productively “,” stroke me “,” make to me massage “,” make to me a tasty supper “,” present to me flowers »and so forth All points are desirable for discussing with the partner to be convinced that it (has correctly understood () your desire. When the list will be made, you can agree. The contract can sound so: to show on three kinds of pleasant behaviour every day. An important condition: everyone should show care irrespective of responses of another. This very important condition, since If everyone cares of other only in the event that positive reaction follows, it means. That any of partners does not incur responsibility for adjusting relations in a family or steam. «Days of care» are very effective and useful, as promote an establishment of trust and affinity in relations.
Here one more good way to adjust the relation with close and darling: remember more often those moments when to you it was good together. It can be any memorable places, dates, events – the symbols having for both of you special value. It is good to visit repeatedly that place where both of you have worried once the unforgettable happy moments. Such romantic appointment will call positive emotions and will introduce a fresh stream in your relations, having allowed you to enjoy again the company each other.
